The Golden Hoagie; Or, A Rare Spiced Pigeon Hoagie With A Side Of Pierogie
The Golden Hoagie; Or, A Rare Spiced Pigeon Hoagie With A Side Of Pierogie

Thursday • April 4th 2024 • 9:46:35 pm

The Golden Hoagie; Or, A Rare Spiced Pigeon Hoagie With A Side Of Pierogie

Thursday • April 4th 2024 • 9:46:35 pm

Programming, is a very relaxing hobby, fore every challenge you can invent a broad range of tools.

So much so that frustrations never occur, you are just taken on great little side quests.

And such, was the case today, I embarked on the quest for the Golden Hoagie.

When I was little I was watching a Van Damme movie, where he escaped a French Foreign Legion.

In a scene where he was at a bar ordering food, he stared eating a sandwich still in the paper wrapper.

“What a dumbass” – I thought, “you are supposed to take the paper wrapper off”.

Today, I was messing around with PI, to create a test harness for a windowing system I am working on.

To make the long story short, sine gently moves up and down, between ZERO, and 2xPI.

You feed the sine function an increasing value between 0 and 2PI, and it will return a gently sloping value between -1 and 1.

I needed a value between .5 and 2, was good with .5, but the sine can’t produce 2.

I ended up using multiplication, and not really liking my cute test harness idea anymore.

This is where I started thinking about sandwiches, and that Van Damme was probably eating a Burrito, not a sandwich.

There are no burritos where I come from, we only have sausages, pierogies…

And this strange transparent, possibly Baltic sea creature, with little things suspended in this trnsparencey.

I heard it once being called a medusa, and the same comedian mentioned you are supposed to down it with binoculars.

Which, I guessed, was code for two bottles of vodka.

Though I have never been drunk, or even tipsy, as I don’t like alcohol, it being a carcinogen.

I see how it would be necessary, to hork two bottles of vodka, to eat that damn transprent thing.

And as I finished my programming for the day, roughly generating numbers between .7, not .5 and 1.9 not 2.

I remembered, something.

I am not much for playing computer games. But I really really love pixel art.

When my bullies got crafty, I skipped school and went to a Game Arcade.

Oh my gosh, I was in there forever, for a semester, and never once did I care to play.

I just wanted to look at the graphics, they were gorgeous, all hand painted, 256 color magnificent works of art.

Forget the damn Louvre, the true art renascence was captured, in a little arcade room by a train station.

In and about that time, I came across Day of The Tentacle, beautiful pixel art game, breath taking design and animation.

And the fat boy character, was named Hoagie, and I just loved that name, what a beautiful word.

And recently, I discovered a pizza place by a cash machine, that shocked me by advertising, the sale of Hoagies.

Meowrvelous, so the game character was nicknamed Hoagie, because he got fat from eating a lot of them.

But, here is the thing, I thought to my self, as pushed the code commit, in my code editor.

What the doodle is a Hoagie? Somehow this Van Damme thing has me thinking that it is a burrito style thing.

But, I’ve never seen a Hoagie, I’ve never heard of anybody eating a hoagie.

So I am going to try to guess, Hooooagle…???

Could it be a boiled sausage, that isn’t just meat, but it is stuffed full of bits of spices, and bits of cheese.

So that it all becomes a beautiful little symphony, when it is all melts in the mouth?

Hoagie feels like it is something really integrated together, but also fine, and meant for the sophisticated pallet.

Hoagie is not something you cook, or fry, it is a thing you boil in a little pot filled with water.

But would a fat little game character, yearn for sophistication, and would a pizza place sell such a thing – maybe not.

But I tell you, a hoagie, is nothing like pierogie.

It is a spectrum of taste, that must be horked in haste.

It will make a fat kid, satisfy their need.

And then beg for more, until they can’t fit through the door.

It has sausage bits and so much cheese, that it will even make a skinny girl wheeze.

I bet her fanny, that some old granny…

Makes it with candy bits, and she has no pantaloon that fits.

Oh my gosh, I hope it is not transparent, a meal fit for only a fat parent.

A hoagie is such a pretty word, that it got to taste ERMAGERD (oh my god with food in mouth).

I think hoagie is like a sandwich wrap, that you can’t unwrap.

You just jam it in the mouth, and it slowly slides south.

You don’t have to chew, because it is filled with a stew.


Or, maybe, hoagies are so rare, because very few actually... dare.

What it is pigeon meat, dipped in honey to make it sweet.

And like smoked fishes that at first smell nice, the pigeon still has holes for they eyes.

I can hear grand parents then say, “yeah yeah, I member back in the day”

Your grandma used to, make hoagies, and I’d gobble them down like sweet pierogies.

Until, we ran out of pigeons in the street, and there was no more Hoagie meat.

Artwork Credit